Haven't updated this in a while. Been a bit busy. I've also been too lazy to actually use this computer. Been playing shitloads of Animal Crossing: New Leaf, already have almost 100 hours in it or something ridiculous like that.

As of right now, I've set up my laptop on my former figure shelf, and I'm sitting on a stool I dug out of a dumpster during work. Took the day off to paint today. I want to put my artwork up on here eventually, but I rarely finish stuff, so it may take a few months.

A few days back, I went to a college orientation and got stuff situated for me to take summer classes. Taking phlebotomy and philosophy, hopefully. I also finally tidied up my room, so I actually like hanging out in here now. I go through periods of burnt out where my room will get all messy and I'll vegetate somewhere else in the house, but it's nice to have a space where I enjoy being in.

Misha had a limp a week or two ago, but he's back to his usual spunk, now.

I just remembered that I went to a cool warehouse sale that was selling books for fifty cents a pound. They're only open twice a week, so maybe I'll go there today or Saturday... Depends. I'm feeling extra peppy today, so I might.

Found this cool '80s toy museum a few Sundays ago. Shitload of action figures and arcade cabinets. Played some Street Fighter II and F-Zero for the most part. Fucked around on some pinball machines and remembered how bad I am at DDR. There was a cool scavenger hunt that my dad and I did. Really neat place.

Happy leap year!

I’ve found myself getting increasingly more tired of Discord.

Not because of gripes regarding the UI, management, all of the sorts, I just mean the communication in general.

Feels like information overload in a way. That, or I’m getting burned out. Not sure from what, but I’m growing increasingly taciturn and I’m not exactly sure why.

In other news, I went to an estate sale yesterday and got some interesting books. A bunch of medical textbooks, history books, and stuff in German. I’m going to Germany for the second time in late-April, so I’m trying to buff up my fairly mediocre speaking and comprehension skills. It’s a fun and logical language.

I also got this neat portable radio that comes with a flashlight… I ought to add pictures to these entries sometime in the future.

Went to the bookstore later in the day. Found season two of The Tick Animated Series for twelve bucks, and it still has the lithograph in it! Also grabbed a copy of Appleseed. I was considering getting some more artsy movies, like Wiseblood and The Seventh Seal, however those were twenty bucks each. Didn’t feel like shilling out even more money that day. Already spent an egregious amount of money on a new 3DS (that should be coming today!).

I’ve gotten the ball rolling on college registration, finally. Aiming for a general pre-health sciences degree. I feel a bit lucky that the career I want to pursue pays decently…

Finally accessed the island in GameCube Animal Crossing. Hoarded some coconuts and planted them on my shoreline. Named the island “Snake Island”, while my town is called “Birdsink”. The real-life Birdsink is a sinkhole far, far away from me, which is also home to quite a few snakes! You have to watch your step in the summertime there, keeping a stick alongside you to poke at the tall grass often helps deter potential rattlesnakes.

I often choose to not walk there in the summertime if I can help it.

It’s 05:35 (now 5:45 as of editing) or so, the sun hasn’t even risen yet. I should probably pop some of my insomnia pills and get more sleep.

Working on a bookmarks page for this site. Will upload my art on here eventually. Considering making a page on my various collections.

It’s almost 14:00, and I’m still tired.

I’ve been bombarded with strange event after strange event within the past two days. At least this year is proving to be a bit more eventful than the last.

Woke up yesterday thinking one of the things was a dream, which was unfortunately not the case.

Muscles are all tense. I should get a pull-up bar to hang from.

Anyways, my grandfather died. We got the news while we were picking up an oven, out of all things. I’m going to be completely honest and say that I was hoping for it to happen sooner. It’s a relief to many, and the only thing I mourn about his passing is that his eldest son, my dad, now has no living parents.

The two didn’t really have an attachment in the first place. I had virtually none to my grandfather. He was the typical conservative white man, he wasn’t a fan of me being mixed. There’s little to grieve about him. Not much is lost.

I miss his billiards table.

My dad cried on my shoulder when his mom passed. All he did this time was groan.

Grammy went on her own terms. Grandfather was probably unaware that he was dying.

Fifteen minutes have passed. I’m still tired. I hope my dad is doing alright.

My mom is talking to someone new.

Is it fitting to call this the “diary” section? It’s a bit like a blog of sorts.

I dunno. It’ll be for whatever, I guess.

It’s about 09:50 right now, woke up a bit later than usual. Hands are all stiff. I bought some stuff from the comic book store yesterday. The first issue of “The Tick’s Giant Circus of the Mighty”, and two Kinnikuman Medicom toys! I also got a magazine about making custom figures.

Moving on, last night I was thinking a bit about “fictosexuality” and things of that sort.

I can’t be too critical of the community that surrounds it, since I partake in something similar, however I do find it a bit strange? Maybe it’s because I’ve been scouring places like Reddit. Perhaps it’s mean of me to say that they seem to enable delusions, which seems counterintuitive to their cause.

Again, I can’t judge. I’m in love with Captain Falcon out of all characters, and I gush about him frequently, even to those who don’t know he’s my “fictional other”. In all honesty, I only recently began to flirt with the label. I don’t think it really fits me since Falcon is the only character I’ve felt this sort of attraction to.

I sound neurotic. Shockingly, going outside does not ebb this! Oh well.

For a few years now, I’ve accepted that I don’t feel romantic attraction. Typical romantic attraction, at the very least. Basal needs for a human require companionship, but romance is fairly new and complex. It isn’t basal or primitive, which is probably why I can’t wrap my head around why so many people long for it. Think I’ve read too much Sartre and Nietzsche.

Then I fell in love with a fictional character. I feel like some sort of Greek comedy.

Perhaps it’s because that he’s intangible and fictional that draws me in. Yet I often find myself wishing that I could feel his body against mine. That I could feel his arms wrap around me. That I could wrap my arms around him and let him cry on my shoulder.

It’s fleeting, yet it’s frequent enough to be a bit annoying.

I do think that this is doing more good than harm, oddly enough. It gives me drive to do things, to push myself and become a stronger person.

It’s 10:11 now. I’m hoping to run some errands today.

There’s no proper merchandise of Falcon, so I sometimes bring his Amiibo with me when I go to work. I worry about breaking him… Those things look so fragile!

I have no idea where I’m going with this. I think it’s fitting to call this a diary now. I never know where I’m going when I write in my physical diary.

(P.S., I got the magazine so I can start working on a Falcon figure. I wonder how oblique that was…)

Just how many people are passionate about something, yet never put themselves out? How many people, “destined” for greatness, never make their move?

Probably millions.

It’s a question no one can give a definite answer to, yet we all know that the number is higher than it should be.

So many of my family members were amazing in the visual arts. So many of them gave up, or walked passed opportunities that would make them flourish in the field.

Despite my gripes, I can’t blame them.

Art is draining. Art is painful. I envy those who can make a business out of it, though I question just how happy they are. I question how much they’ve deviated from their raw, personal work. From what they want to make, versus what makes money.

I feel as though my drive for creation is slowly slipping away from me. Drawing makes me angry, I almost never finish anything other than a draft. This extends to other mediums as well, such as music and writing.

I get so bored.

There’s something oddly alluring about machismo.

It’s always something that I both found attractive and strived to embody myself. It gives me this feeling of childlike wonder, it gets my adrenaline pumping, it gets me inspired, gets me hot under the collar.

Shitty military movies, professional wresting, the myriad of ‘90s games themed off of hyper masculinity.

There’s something so nasty about machismo.

Jim Thirlwell’s early Foetus works — and by extension, Wiseblood — is the best portrayal I’ve seen of it so far. It’s lewd, unsettling, degenerate, yet there’s something almost beautiful about it.

It’s primitive and raw. Hedonistic and needlessly violent.

I’m not at all an emotionally available person, partly due to cognitive factors out of my control. It’s not out of fear of “being less manly”, I just can’t do it. It feels awkward. I communicate primarily with my body language. That’s why I like wrestling, boxing, all of the like. It’s cathartic. It’s a language I can speak without hesitation and fear of being misunderstood.

I’m also into life drawing and painting the human figure. Wrestling, to me, is a kinetic form of figure study.

Machismo is all about figure. Stoicism. Emotional ineptitude.

Machismo is blunt quips and badass one-liners.

Machismo is, without a doubt, the root of a myriad of issues in society.